Tuesday, June 9, 2009


Early in April, I have learnt that I was already bearing a child for a month. It was so sudden that I cannot believe it would happen. I was never afraid of having a child until I realised that there is one inside my tummy. I was not convinced with the PT result. I did it once and was afraid to do it again as the result might not change. And even though I obviously notice the enlargement of my stomach, I am not as excited as my friends who notice it. I got a bit excited and nervous of my relatives' reactions when they heard me say the word 'pregnant'. And worse, the words 'I AM' with eyes looking down and palms sweating real thick. It was really unbelievable. I had just finished my last course and have so many plans in mind. I never thought of having a child at a very young age. Neither did I think of getting married at the age of 22. I even answer surveys online where in it fictitiously depicts the right age and time for you to get married and bear a child and it often states that I will get married at the age of 25-27 and will bear a child at 25-28. And that is 3-6 years away from reality.

When my parents knew that I am pregnant, they asked me to marry my boy friend. I felt awkward towards it. Not the marriage thing but the marriage due to some sort of alien growing inside me. Yes, I called my baby an alien for as of then I am not quite sure if it is really a child that is growing inside me or some kind of an ovarian disease that's enlarging my stomach until I had my first ultrasound for my pre-natal check up. It was there. Moving spontaneously. Alive. That is the only time I appreciated the living thing inside me. I had tears in my eyes and more disbelief on what I saw. I can see it clearly. It is real. And it is a child. My child. I do not know what to say to the radiologist when she smiled at me and said 'it seems like you cannot believe on what you are seeing right now'. Really. I felt ashamed of myself. I was thinking that if my child only heard the things I called him/her before I knew that s/he is really existing inside me, s/he would never want me as his/her mother. Good thing s/he did not hear even a single word I have said. Now, I am really happy that there's a life growing inside me. I cannot explain my feelings right now. I got really excited to show the result of the ultrasound to my husband. I want to show him how the baby looks like at 14 weeks and 5 days. It is already in shape and just waiting for the right moment to complete the tissues and organs. And though I only saw his/her shadow, I still am very excited to take care of him/her.

And now that I have my own family, I am looking forward to changes and what life has to offer.

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